So I acknowledge that there's a whole lot of personal, diary-type of shit (got my shoulders waxed for the first time today...hurts so good...) that is going to end up here, that many people won't care about...No one cares how you feel, Golden! But I am also using this blog to document a period in my life. A period of growth, change, and coming into my own as an adult human, and I think some self indulgence is allowed.
The title from this post comes from last night's episode of HBO's "True Blood" (solid programming)...a character was referring to another character's change into a vampire, and how it explains their erratic behavior, mood swings, etc. I thought it was a very fitting and vivid mental picture for change and growth in general. I don't know if the writers of the show intended to completely explain the last year of my life in a sentence, but the parallels to becoming an adult are striking.
A little backstory...I moved out to Los Angeles to be an actor and be with my girlfriend. Until that point, I had never lived farther than two hours from my giant, amazing extended family...I'm the youngest of three so I had four parents growing up. I'm classic youngest child...by the time the ball rolled on to me, my parents were much more relaxed. They're first was a smash hit, the second, a late, but powerful bloomer, and then me, he of much success from little effort in his early life. Then I moved to LA.
Let me just say, becoming an adult is fucking insane. You grow up your whole life looking at these big people running around, acting like they know what they're doing. And though you see a couple cracks (why is mommy crying?) in the armor, you assume that things will magically make sense when you're older. My plan: High school - get hammered a lot, have lots of fun, get good enough grades. College - study acting, get hammered, have some sex. Post college - get serving job, get agent, book commercials, book movies, BE FAMOUS RESPECTED ACTOR! Seemed so simple...
The first two went well, sans a couple hitches (tearing ACL, early heart break, acting professor telling me I wasn't the shit...) but then real life hit. KAPOW!
Turns out everyone is just making it up as they go along. That there's no manual, no book one receives on their eighteenth birthday. That "maturity" is not about age, but rather one's own idea of themselves. That no one will be handing out grades or awards. And that things just don't always turn out peachy rosy.
So when I got out here, I realized I wasn't an actor, that I was going to use this splendid brain I inherited and try to create movies. Brilliant movies that were beautiful, funny, challenging, and truthful. Because I think great movies are the BEST. But man, I never realized what kind of pain and loss one needs to conquer to honestly come into their own. Because once you put one thing on the table, you have to put everything on the table, and you find out some pretty harsh things about yourself and the world. (you are not the first, best, or greatest, you will die one day - another column, the world will go on without you, etc.)
Anyhow, to anyone else struggling through their own transformation, just be ok with everything because you decided to do something brave. The easy thing would have been to never attempt to discover your power. Because the only way you can discover your greatest power is by finding your greatest passion. It's tough but all you can do is own it. If you own it you find new confidence. If you own it, it becomes your own. If you own it, you can start having fun again.
But you must go down first.
Aaron Sydney Golden