The Funk: Long Overdue Respect

Part of my writing before I started this blog was aphorisms...you know, things like "I think, therefore I am."...little snippets of thought meant to clearly impart knowledge or raise questions in often ironic or humorous ways (what would we do without you humour and irony?) . I'm thinking sometimes I'll start posts with them. The conclusivity bothers me, and it can make me sound like a pompous asshole. But remember the motto...no one knows anything for sure. (including ME!)

"Canines and ketchup are similarly clever in that they’re allied with the most dominant forces in their respective worlds, thus ensuring their survival. Canines with the powerful human, ketchup with the unbeatable french fry."

I thought of that at one of my restaurants (yes, I work at multiple restaurants...because working a just one wasn't destroying my soul quite enough...) This particular restaurant serves the unbelievable Canadian delicacy that is "poutine" (french fries covered in cheese curds with hot gravy on top, melting the cheese into the fries.) This is one of those foods that makes you wonder why the most delicious things have to be unhealthy (cookie dough, pizza, hot fudge brownie sundaes...) Because if vegetables tasted like poutine, I'd be a giddy and dedicated vegetarian.

Now, what is interesting to me is that some people actually don't enjoy poutine. Mystifying, I know, but "the gravy is too much", or "wah, it makes my heart hurt." Pussies. In terms of taste, this dish is STRAIGHT DELICIOUS! And this, my wonderful readers, brings me to today's topic...

HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LOVE THE FUNK?

Funk music, in my opinion, is incredible. Transcendent. The best. (In my one and only screenplay, the main characters are in a funk band, that's how much I love it.) There is absolutely nothing not to love about the crazy hard beats of Earth, Wind, and Fire. You can't listen to Stevie Wonder and not bob your head. I'm listening to it right now. I just want to get up, and throw down crazy styles. I don't love dancing, but I can't not dance to this shit.

Sugarhill Gang, George Clinton, Kool and the Gang, Jamiroquai...just some examples of funky tune-age. And what awesome names! Parliament-Funkadelic? Are you kidding me?

And it hardly ends there. Funk is in everything. Club dance music, jam bands, disco, hip-hop...all just mostly funk. Red Hot Chili Peppers and Black Eyed Peas? More like Funky Hot Funk Peppers and Funk Eyed Funkpeas. Breakdancing? Pish posh. Should just be called...Hard Funking.

So where do people get off not calling funk the greatest?

Look, I know everyone is different. We all have our idiosyncracies...I don't expect everyone to love everything I love. I understand if you think football is boring. Or if you can't get into RPG video games. But funk?

Honestly, when people ask me what my favorite music is, I used to not know what to tell them. Liked jam bands like Dave Matthews and Phish for a while...Radiohead's amazing, I love me some Beatles, and I'm a sucker for classical music. But, I'm not always in the mood for these things. Hm...what to say? In a blast of clarity everything clicked! The funk! No matter what time of day, if I'm happy or sad, I AM ALWAYS DOWN WITH FUNK!

I'd like to see a study of the effects of funk on a person. Why does it make me need to thrust my hips so assuredly, or wave my arms so goofily? Are there little funk men and women that live in the vibrations that fly into my head when some soulful funk gets started, and jump around my brain pulling all the dancing levers? If so, how do I get that job?

So I ask, people, are you really giving funk it's proper due? Are you really opening yourself up to the funk? And if you do claim to love the funk, are you vocal enough? Let's bring funk out from behind the closed doors of dive bar DJ booths. Out of specialty Sunday night "funk" nights, and into the mainstream. I swear, funk is the key to life...if the Iranians were listening to more funk, they'd be much more chill. That and smoking weed (different column...:)

I propose a funk minute on earth. We'll call it "Global Funk Break" Maybe at like 2:49 pm E.S.T. everyday funk music could blare from every street corner, and wherever you are, you just get to be straight funky for a minute. I know this would mean loud funk music in the middle of the night in, like, Africa, but whatever. It's for the good of the planet. Shut up, Africa.

So yeah, you probably like funk more than you think you do if you think you don't like it. And if you do like it, and I'm preaching to the choir...let's enjoy the funk, and eat some poutine, and go to bed happy.

And for those counting, I used the word funk (or a derivate like funky) 35 times in this post. That's how much I love funk. Shit, 36.

Cheers,

Aaron Sydney Golden